I truly believe I've been equipped with an extra dosage of guts to accomplish these tasks God has given me in life. Oh no! By any means, don't think this makes me fearless. I have as much fear as you and your next door neighbor combined. But I don't stop at fear. And I'm not a supper mom either. But somehow I'll sing up to fly across the world with 2 kids by myself and not blink an eye about it...
Some people think I'm crazy. I just think I have more God-given-guts to balance out my human super-sized fears. I think it's a gift. And for that I'm grateful. But sometimes even with guts full of holy-steroids, a person can find himself/herself in a parenting dilemma that will knock the air our of your lungs: again, again and again.
Some people think I'm crazy. I just think I have more God-given-guts to balance out my human super-sized fears. I think it's a gift. And for that I'm grateful. But sometimes even with guts full of holy-steroids, a person can find himself/herself in a parenting dilemma that will knock the air our of your lungs: again, again and again.
This time, our return to South Africa was that air knocking phenomenon.
Coming to South Africa, meant we FIRST had to say good bye to Canada. Tearful goodbyes. It is heart wrenching enough as adults, but when you have to watch your children break down having to say goodbye, AGAIN, it's hard not to be shaken. It's hard to not doubt and question constantly "Is this the right thing Lord?".
Because they know this time. They know how flipping hard it is to live on the other side of that massive ocean and to count down the days until they can catch a glimpse of those faces again. Those beautiful blood-related-faces. Their cousins. Their aunties. Their uncles. Their grand-parents.
They know how long it will be until they walk the halls of that small country town school. Until they see their friends again, their teachers, ... And my Breath. Is. Taken. Away.
And for all the people who say: "This is amazing, your kids have such a cool life.", I think they have no idea the sacrifice my little ones make on a daily basis. No amount of "cool" can make up for that. In fact, please don't EVER say that to anyone. It's awful and not fair. No one does mission because "it's a cool life". So those comments are well... hurtful. Because my beloved mini-me sacrifice for Jesus more than anyone probably realizes.
And they have been sacrificing with such grace and even ease at times. Maybe it is because children are resilient, but knowing their heart, I know it's mostly because they are madly in love with Jesus. They are so inclined to listen to His calling.
But this time, something was dramatically different. Not their hearts. Oh no. Their hearts are infatuated and more on fire for Jesus than ever. No something else. Their desires, hopes and dreams were being shattered by returning to South Africa.
Even after a few weeks of being back, the boys were crying often and wanting to go back to Canada. We prayed and asked others to pray. As Vincent, the youngest, got over the worse of it, our oldest, Raphael, was still really struggling.
He wanted to play hockey. You might say he was struggling with "earthly things" and this too shall pass. But no amount of distracting him worked or will ever work with this boy. If you've had the pleasure to know him, you will know what I mean. He usually only has one thing on the mind and it is to play HOCKEY. But as you can imagine, South Africa and hockey aren't very compatible.
He mourned this quietly. Not with anger, but with genuine heart brokenness. Including on Christmas morning, when he said all he wanted was to play hockey :( It was almost too much for my mom heart. My super-sized-guts were no help.
"What are we to do?" we asked. The only hockey here is on Sunday mornings and we absolutely love our church family. Even Raphael agreed all these years with our decisions. But this time, we needed to re-evaluate, because we knew the long term re-precautions of this could be massive.
He could hate church.
He could hate mission.
He could hate us.
He could hate God.
or
He could think it's fine to not go to church.
He could fall out of love with Jesus.
So what now? Well I don't know!!! This is the missionary mom dilemma. And dad too. And this is where we are at now. Seeing if we can find a different church, as heart breaking as it is. Or other options of altering hockey frequencies. There is no magic answer. They all have good and bad to them. And no one prepares you for this. So we pray and continue to ask guidance. And ask that you please would join us!
