The best Yes

(this blog was inspired partly by quotes from the book "the Best Yes" by Lysa Terkeurst, 
and is also an adaptation of my speaking note from NCF Women's ministry: October 9th, 2014)

“We must not confuse the command to love with the disease to please.” Lysa TerKeurst 

I was asked to speak at women's ministry October 9th, and I thought I'd blog about what I shared with these women.  Normally Mike is the one preaching and bring long winded, so beware, it is finally my turn! 

You see, just like Lysa TerKeurst, I’m a chronic "people pleaser", and I'm not very far in my recovery just yet. As I deal with this need to please in my every day life, I have come to discover that in general:

what people think of me matters way too much.

And because of that, I can easily lose sight of pleasing God.  That’s my biggest “pitfall” in saying my “Best Yes” to God.

Pleasing people can be easily confused by those watching us as being loving, but the truth is, we aren't doing these things because we are loving at all.  We can't truly be loving when we have our own interests in mind and our motives are to please others in order to make ourselves look or feel better.  

1 Cor 13:5 "It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs."

When I’m trying to please someone, 
the actions that follow cannot be actions of love.

I went shopping with my dear friend last week-end and I put aside my desire to please others big time.  I decided it didn’t matter if this is a big “what not to wear” moment, I was saying yes to the pants, because I’ve been wanting these sweet fake leather pants for years, and it didn’t matter if they were in style and it didn’t matter what people would think.  It was one of my "Best Yes" moment in my shopping life.

Cheers to good friends who put up with my crazy shopping style and love me no matter what!

At this point in my life, I feel like:

The ONLY way we can all give God our Best Yes, 

is by saying NO to “people pleasing”.

 

Ok, but just to confuse you, sometimes the Best Yes is Saying No.  

I have a very addictive personality and I don’t mean that people get addicted to me (although that's also very possible).  So for me, in the evening after I’ve had a long day, sometimes I want to watch one TV show and go to bed.  

But it rarely turns out to be just one because if I sit down to watch one, I don’t have the discipline to just watch that one.  So if I think down the road and I acknowledge that I need rest, for me the best Yes is to not even watch one, because:

I know I’ll be tired the next day,

I know I’ll be cranky with my kids, 

I know I won’t have enough brain cells to do devotions, 

and I know that I'll be less kind (more mean?) to my husband, ...

“A prudent person foresees danger and takes precautions.  The simpleton goes blindly on and suffers the consequences.”  Proverbs (22:3)

Doesn't mean YOU can't just watch one show, but for me, not watching any in that situation would be my Best yes!

Another way to know if this is a best Yes, is when the cost of saying No is even higher (in terms of down the road consequences).

There are situations in life that are serious enough, where you and I just have to say Yes because the cost of saying No is so high.  Perhaps too high for you to follow through and you couldn't bare to live with the consequences if you said No.   

This is HARD stuff and I'm no better than you because I now have this missionary title.  In fact if you knew everything that’s in my heart, you would be appalled and then perhaps relieved that I’m just a regular human being, struggling through life, trying to make the best decisions possible with a really weak ability to stick to my decisions and also a really really scattered personality (just in case you haven’t noticed yet).

James 4:17  is talking about saying Yes to something you know 100% God is asking you to do because if you don’t, you know you aren’t following His best plan for your life and the word of God calls it sin.  

It’s not called “refusing the BEST God has for you”, it’s called sin.  There is no getting around this one.  I actually sorta tried, and failed.  So when we don’t obey God’s will, we sin.

It is God who gives knowledge into what is the right thing for you.  What I’m saying is that: it’s not enough to just follow all the rules and laws.  This might not be something that is a “thou shall not” or a rule that is written out clearly like a law in the Bible, but it might be something that you KNOW you ought to do and aren’t doing yet.  Or something you should stop doing and haven's stopped yet.  

Time for a little honesty talk.

“In this great day when most women wave banners of authenticity about our pasts, we crouch back from honesty about our presents. We’ll tell you all about our broken places of yesterday but don’t dare admit the limitations of our today” Lysa TerKeurst

In a previous blog post in April, I wrote about letting go of people’s expectations of me as a missionary in South Africa.  I shared that I was struggling with what people were expecting me to be doing.  I told you that I find it hard to know how much or how little to get involved with our ministry, while being a stay at home mom & homeschooling the kids.

Also a part-time toy maker...

Now that we are heading back to South Africa in 5 weeks and that I do not have more of calling over my life than that of taking care of the children and supporting my husband (same as before), it's hard!

And the truth is, this call is amazing, but I don't get why God would call me to go to South Africa to do it, because frankly it’s much easier being a mom here in Canada with my friends, a dishwasher, a dryer and a vacuum.   Oh and HEAT.  And perogies.

 But if God hasn’t called me to say Yes, then I better get used to saying no.

“Escape the guilt of disappointing others by learning the secret of the small no.” Lysa TerKeurst

This season of fall I admit is the worst, because everything starts up again.  This a prime time to “get people suckered into volunteering”.  I’m not saying volunteering is bad.  I’m not saying commitment is bad.  But what are your reasons?  Is that your Best Yes?  Are you doing it just to please someone, or are you doing it out of love for Jesus??

Again I tell myself, if God hasn’t called me this or this ministry, then I better get used to saying no.  

Say “NO” with me just for practice sake?  Great.  (Actually I have no way of knowing if you did you little stinker, but if you are even still reading this, you rock).

“Overcome the agony of hard choices by embracing a wisdom based decision-making process.” Lysa TerKeurst

When faced with hard stuff, hard choices, the best is to not lean on our feelings too much.  I’ve learned that once a month, my decision making process should get revoked for about 2 days (maybe 3-4 days sometimes).  So I try to avoid making decisions and I advise my husband not to put too much weight into what I say during those 2 days.

When faced with a decision like going back to South Africa, it’s not an easy thing and it’s not going to get easier by eating chocolate.  It is God who gives wisdom.  

When I embrace God’s wisdom, His promises to never leave me nor forsake me are what I hand on to.  His words breathe life into me and give me the knowledge that I need to make decisions.

On my own I can’t do it.  I can’t go back for another 2 years to a difficult situation, even though a lot of it is awesome and amazing.  But the Great God who has called me is worth obeying more than anything.  Saying No costs too much.  Saying No is something I would regret.  Saying No is tempting but not even an option.  The Best Yes is hard.  He never promised it would be easy.  But the Best Yes is the Best option. 

Is there an area in our life where we need to say No?

Is there an area in our life where we need to say Yes?

An odd time for tea

On April 15^th, I had the chance to join the women’s ministry ladies in Niverville, Manitoba (Canada) for a Spring tea event...  at 2:30 in the morning (my time)! I overcame my sleepy head, fixed my bed hair, slapped my cheeks a few times, and “voila”, I was ready to share with them about the topic:

Surrendering our lives to God- in missions and in everyday life

I first brushed my teeth, so you they wouldn’t have to smell my bad-middle-of-the-night-breath while I Skype with them.  I’m smart like that.

Then the funniest thing came to my mind...  I’ve never spoken to a group before without them knowing for sure whether or not I was wearing pants.  Turns out I was (for the record), my PJ pants :)

As I prayed the week before about what I should share with these wonderful ladies, God really challenged me to just be open and vulnerable, something I don’t do very easily, especially not in front of a big group, on Skype, at 2 in the morning...  But this is the topic of SURRENDERING right?  So I didn’t really have a choice.

So often we do what we THINK people expect of us instead of what God has planned for us. 

 

I told myself that the ladies would really like to hear what God is doing in our ministry here and I wanted to make it all exciting and have all of them sign up to do mission, ...  Mostly because it would be fun to have them all come to South Africa!!!  But God is teaching me to surrender to Him and share about what He wants me to share, my story of continual surrendering.

(Mike would say that as a French Canadian, this should come pretty natural...  This man I tell you!)

Anyway...  Here we go!!!

When we first got to Africa I felt a certain pressure, real or not, to find the ministry God had called me here to do.  Surely God wouldn’t have called me here to do the same thing I was doing in Niverville.  So I was totally open to whatever it might be, even though I knew my primary role would be at home with my kids.  

In the midst of that, I was really struggling with a fresh loss of identity as a person from having left my friends, family, church, moms group, community, ... I found myself having this need to reinvent myself, to plug in somewhere, to have a sense of belonging, a something that defines me.  

And add to that, I was feeling trapped.  When we first moved here there was this feeling of being trapped, by the security gates, the dangers, having to learn to drive in a different place (I get lost all the time), on the different side of the road, with the shifter also being on the left...  It was so overwhelming, almost paralyzing at times.  I really had to dig deep into God’s strength.

Oh no, I am on the wrong (right) side again...

I had to surrender my family’s safety.

One of the first things that God asked me to surrender to Him was control over my safety and the safety of my family.  This isn't a popular thing in a culture that teaches us: SAFETY first.  Actually, it's totally wrong.  God should always be first.  And it's much harder to do when you don't feel safe EVER.  But when there is nothing you can do to change a situation, then just give it up: onto Him.  

At first I had to fights fear really hard to be able to leave the house without Mike and had a hard time sleeping deeply at night too.  Living in constant fear was draining, and still is sometimes.  But I realized that no harm that could be done to me, or my family, would have any impact on my Eternal destiny.  I was secure in Christ, no matter what happened to us.  

Ok, one thing down right?  (sorta)  Now the longer we were here in Africa, the more anxious I got to find that special calling, that special ministry God had planned for me.  And then it didn’t come...

I had to surrender expectations

I wasn’t too impressed, having come all this way to be doing LESS Spiritual work (in my mind) than in Canada.  I was embarrassed, wondering what would people back home think, especially our supporters.

 

I had to surrender what I thought other people’s expectations were

Real or not, I had to let it go.  And stop caring, because this thing was between me and God.   If He called me all the way to South Africa to be a mom, so be it.  It was a GOOD plan, because it was God’s plan.  

The minute I realized that, people started finding ministries for me, and places I could plug in...  It was so strange, because I was now totally at peace with where God had me and I could with peace in my mind say: NO thank you.

The following week, a man of God came to me with a word God had given Him for me.  I wasn’t shocked that it was in regards to this situation.  God was saying “stop looking for other ministries”.  YIKES.  It’s exciting when others confirm something so important.  And that was confirmed again a few weeks later when an elder here was praying for me, saying I had to stop trying to find new creative ways to minister to people, and “just be”.

No, I don’t have a title for what I do here.  And that bothers me sometimes.  I bake for people.  I help out where I can.  I befriend people who dig in my garbage.  I visit the staff at Hope Africa.  I school my children.  I also take them out on many, many adventures.  I pray.  I write our blog.  I am where God wants me, completely surrendered and happy (most days).

And if I really wanted a title for what I do, I'd choose from this list:

Adventure-seeker-facilitator

Pom-pom educator

Life-cycle instructor

Art teacher

Recycled-craft-maker

Good-food-host

Anyway, I wanted to give you guys this message of surrendering expectations in case you didn’t get to attend the tea party, not because I think I’m so awesome and you’ve got to listen to what I say, but because I think this is one of those truth that applies to mission and everyday life.  We all put these expectations on ourselves and think others have these expectations when it really doesn’t matter at the end of the day.  Because every day I need to ask myself: “What is God’s plan for me?”   

So what is God’s plan for YOU?